Midnight Writer

Whether you are in a committed relationship or completely alone, I’m sure you’ve asked yourself, “is love real?” Does it exist outside of our fantasies? Is it just for people on TV? I think the answer to those questions can be easily missed in the dense fog of our longing for the feeling of love. We see it in movies portrayed as something that can be easily obtained for certain people while others have to fight for it or wait until they are almost dead for it. Love can be seen in the relationships of those around us, whether it be our parents or friends, we can see relationships that have a strong foundation that they are built on. But for some, love at its truest form isn’t so easy to be seen.

Growing up I saw a relationship between my grandmother and grandfather that at times didn’t seem genuine or forgiving. My grandfather was an active alcoholic and lived his life in pursuit of his next drink. He married my grandma when he was a mere 16 year old while she was 18. They eloped and skipped the courtship that a normal relationship would go through. When they married they couldn’t have been more in love, each longing for a life of happiness together, one where they had a family and home to share. My grandfather was ecstatic to become a father and looked for ways to prepare himself for fatherhood. He got a job and bought them a home on a small tobacco farm to start this life with the woman he loved.

One day, my grandmother found out some of the best news a young woman can get, she was pregnant. The life my grandfather had imagined was coming to fruition. I’ve been told by family members that you could see the happiness seeping through his masculine personality. He continued to work hard to provide for his growing family and preparing for them a strong foundation so they could be the loving family he was longing for. During the months of her pregnancy he never stopped and worked hard everyday to ensure his family was provided for.

I can’t begin to tell you the specifics of the situation because in doing so I would be giving you a false account. I can only scratch the surface from the many personal accounts of family members who had shared with me after I had gotten older.

When my uncle was born earlier than expected, there were talks that he would be different than a normal baby. There might be physical characteristics that were not fully developed yet. However, my uncle was healthy, normal and some might say bigger than a on time born baby. My grandmother knew her secret was up and shared with my grandfather that he wasn’t the father of this child. That moment, that mere second changed my grandfather forever. Most would leave, get a divorce, but in that time, it was so frowned upon to get one that they stayed together. But, it wasn’t going to be the same.

He wasn’t going to be the same.

It broke him. From that moment forward he sought the cure for all of his pain in a glass bottle. He despised living sober, alcohol had become his crutch. The loving relationship they had, disappeared. He became a dark & somber person. Drunken spells would lead to physical violence to not only my grandmother but also to his children. By the time my mother was born, my grandmother had already had numerous miscarriages due to what some would say his physical and emotional abuse. During one of his acts of drunkenness, he threw my grandma out of a hay loft, while she was pregnant.

He was also no longer loyal to my grandmother either, sleeping out on her every chance he got. When I was younger I remember looking through picture books seeing all of these different woman hugging and touching on my grandfather. I thought it was all some sort of funny photo session that was done but once I got older my mother told me that he had active affairs with everyone of the ladies in those pictures. I will also add here, that at least two of them went to church with us and always made a point to speak to us, including my grandmother.

The darkness that was inside my grandfather was there due to the lack of love in his life. My grandmother did love him and though she now has Alzheimer’s disease, she still mentions him. He passed away 10 years ago and with her memory all but gone, she still talks about the boy she fell in love with. After all the physical and mental trauma he put her through, she still loved him. I personally don’t understand how she did it. But if you ask any of her family they will say, “because she loved him.” She still saw the boy she married. She actively remembers what he could have been.

I’ve only heard her speak once on the situation with my uncle, but she said, “I should have never done it.” The remorse that I heard in her voice was clear, she never meant to hurt him. The love that she had for him never faltered. When he had gotten sick near the end of his life, he was in the hospital for over 3 months. Not one single day was he alone. She never left his side. Before he went on life support, I finally saw a sober man. One that cared for my grandmother and wanted to have a relationship with God. He gave his life to Christ just one day before he went on the ventilator. When he took his last breath, I could see the pain in her eyes as she started to weep. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without him,” she said. The man that had cheated on her, beat her, and drank his life away, she still loved. I saw a quote that said, “Loving someone isn’t always easy but if you truly love them you will go through anything to keep the relationship.” That quote captures their story, love remained, buried, tested, reshaped, but never gone

Seeing their relationship and knowing how it evolved over time has stumped me on what love truly is. I haven’t been in a relationship but have a strong urge to share my love with someone and hopefully can share theirs back to me. Yet, knowing how delicate love is, that one thing can shatter it, scares me. The love that I saw during their last moments together was beautiful, but why did they have to wait that long to have it.

We are so groomed to think that love can be given, taken back, and then given back again that we forget how delicate and sacred that love is. James Baldwin wrote, “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.” Sometimes we have to fight to find love and see it for what it truly is.

If you take anything from this, let it be this; Love is worth longing for. It might not come easily. It might not look how you expect it. But if you dig deeper and nurture that desire with honesty and faith, love will find a vessel to fill.

– Midnight Writer

“So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.“